I've been having a lot of mixed feelings lately. for some time now i have been thinking more serious about what i want in life. i'm talking more about the future. mainly my serious thinking involves both my boyfriend and i. mainly about where i see us in the future and about kids in the future.
I never really cared to have kids but my boyfriend definitely wants a lot of them. i guess being a little older now i have actually been thinking about having kids. i have made it very clear that if and when that time comes at most i would have like maybe 2 or 3 or so (it depends, dont know what the future holds yet). i wouldnt mind 2, a girl and a boy. of if i only had 1 i want it to be a girl, if i have more then one i want a girl first regardless. my boyfriend agrees with that, he wants a girl first too. i got him to realize that too many kids is just nuts. we have no way to take care of a lot of kids, let alone just 1 right now. and even if we have the means having too many kids is not necessary or smart, at least not for me.
Either way there are things i want us to have first. definitely i want us to get married first. we are engaged. i want us also to have a nice place together, either a good 2 or 3 bedroom apartment or even better, a house (basically a decent place to live and a good amount of space). i want us each to have a good car. i have one now but he doesnt. i have been doing repairs to my and its driving great. i want us to have a nice small wedding and a great honeymoon and do a little traveling and have some road trips (i would be happy with traveling at least 1 place b4 kids, preferably during the honeymoon or even making a road trip for the honeymoon). i want to finish school also, although i could compromise and maybe finish part of school after having a kid if it comes to that or doing something before, its hard to say right now. very importantly i myself need to lose weight as well. i dont wanna be out of shape when that time comes. most definitely i want us to not have to work. we want to own some businesses and real estate so that we dont have to have jobs anymore. the real estate wont be too easy but the businesses actually can be. there are some small businesses my boyfriend has the opportunity to own but he just needs the start up money (which is why he is working alot right now). we're sick of working for other people. i believe we can do it, it will just take a little time and money.
These things arent just to prepare for a kid, this is more of us living and enjoying our lives together before devoting a lot of it to kids. its just not the same when you dont have kids and are free to come and go as you please and answer to no one then when you have kids and have to take care of them first before you can do anything you want or need to. to me having these things in place will be beneficial for when a kid does come in the picture. i want us to have had a life and have done stuff together, my man and i have been together for years but have not been able to do much together in all this time. once kids come into the picture you have to dedicate so much time and energy to them that you just dont have as much time for yourselves, at least not at first. if you have a good support system then its not so bad time wise. to me it seems like alot of people get married to just have kids in wedlock (i actually know a couple like that, another couple that doesnt love each other but married just for the kid, and yet another couple where the wife is pregnant b/c her husband wanted a kid-in reality it was to keep her trapped). i just dont wanna be one of those women that ends up having kids, stays stuck at home, and regretting their lives and never being able to go anywhere or do anything. i refuse to end up that way. i never liked the stay at home mom lifestyle, for anyone that likes that life more power to you but its not me. i know i might sound bad or maybe even like a kid hating bitch or whatever but thats not the case. its just not all that simple. i want to have lived and have had a life somewhat before having a kid and even when the kids come into the picture i'm not just gonna be a stay at home mom either. of course i will be home to raise my kid but thats just not the only thing i wanna do. i'm not giving up my personal life entirely b/c of a kid, i still want and need to live as well. becoming a mom shouldnt mean that your individual self is done. i've it happen too many times which is why i have been scared to have kids for so many years. thats why i want and need to have these things in place first. i dont want to regret my life or my child.
At this point in time my best friend is about 8 months pregnant. i am happy for her but i dont feel happy about it deep down. i dont let her know that though. my issues right now have nothing to do with her. its my personal feelings that i have to deal with, no one else. we hang out and stuff but being that she is a slender petite girl she gets tired easily and she doesnt even want to go out at night anymore b/c she is tired. thats normal of course but what worries me is that i think she will change completely once her daughter is here (yes she is having a girl). she changed and became one of those doesnt want to work anymore wives b/c the man makes enough money kinda person. that was not the kind of person i knew her to be before she got married. and i'm afraid that once that baby is here that i will barely ever see her unless its to go to her place to help her with the baby or a doctors appointment or something like that which is guess is ok but it will frustrate me at times when i just wanna hang out with her. her mom is living with her and helping her but who knows if she will be scared to leave the baby with her mom even for just a moment to go to a movie or out to eat or something, i hope she wont be afraid to do so. i hope she doesnt forget herself just b/c of the baby. she didnt really plan on having a kid now, she wanted to start later this year or next year but her husband wanted to start. something happened b/w them recently that made him want to start having a family in an effort to make them closer. sometimes having a kid will do that and sometimes it wont. depends on the couple. this couple in reality is nothing more than he wanted a kid b/c he did something recently that almost broke up the marriage (after a while and a lot of fights she forgave him) so he wanted to the kid thinking having a family will make them closer and he knows that she wont leave if she does have a kid b/c she wont the lifestyle that he has provided for her. in my opinion this is kind of a sad reason to have a kid. for her, shes in her early 30's and doesnt want to wait too much longer and possibly not being able to have a kid b/c of the biological clock women have (typical situation for a lot of women). i consider that clock to be so unfair. it forces women not ready to have a kid or those who want to wait to have one before being ready and if you dont you might possibly never be able to have your own or it will be too hard to do. yes there is adoption and other options but its not the same compared to having your own.
I know this is a long post. i meant to post it some time ago but kept on editing it once a while until i felt it was right. i love having a blog so much. i can write what i want and get out feelings and frustrations i am dealing with without anyone knowing who i am or getting mad at me for what i wrote or thinking i am a freak b/c of what i wrote. thank you blogger.com
